Christmas Time

If you have stumbled upon this blog because I have shared it, or you have no idea who I am, it's totally okay. Today, I want to talk to you about something that has been on my mind all day today. Especially around the Christmas season, it can be hard to enjoy it if you feel lonely. I mean, the true meaning of Christmas is that Jesus was born, and we celebrate it. But what if we didn't get presents? Think about it. Would you still feel happy? Unfortunately, a lot of people would say no. They support themselves by saying, "Oh, I have friends and family to make me feel happy through the Christmas season". But let me stretch this even further; what if we didn't have family or friends? What if we feel like we're all alone?

Two characters come into mind when I think about such things. Those characters are the Grinch, and Mr. Scrooge. I know I have talked about Scrooge before in my blogs, (somewhere) but it will be a little different this time. The reason why these two characters preferred isolation was because of a situation gone awry. With the Grinch (the Jim Carrey version), he fell in love with a girl named Martha May Whovier when he was young. He was utterly embarrassed when everybody laughed at him, and held this grudge for years. In Scrooge's story, he fell in love with a woman named Belle. Since Scrooge grew up with no money, he wanted to provide for Belle as he became more wealthy. Eventually down the road, he got greedy, and Belle broke off her engagement with Scrooge. That is a reason why he eventually became so cruel. Of course there were other reasons why Scrooge and the Grinch were mean, but they both share a common characteristic; and that is love. When the only thing that they held dear to them turns their back, where do they turn? 

In this winter season, filled with lights, music, snow, and much more, we tend to feel depressed because some of us feel like we need to have that special somebody in our life. I know I'm guilty of it at one time in my life. The more I tried to press to have somebody, the worse it got. I stopped relying on God's time, and became fixated on my own. Who knows, maybe heartbreak can make you become like a Scrooge or a Grinch some day. 

How bread can keep me up late at night.

So, it is 4:14 in the morning, and I'm not asleep yet. "Why?" You may ask? Well, before I was going to go to sleep, I was going to get a glass of water. I went and poured myself a glass of water, and eyed this bread. It looked really good, so I decided to snag a little piece. I took it Aladdin style. No slices, just a bit of loaf! As I sat down and started eating it, I thought to myself, "Huh, I bet the Egyptians had to eat something like this when they were fleeing from Egypt. The bread was probably a lot worse, but still." I then asked myself why the Egyptians were complaining? I mean, God had just done some miraculous things in their life. He saved them from Pharaoh's clutches, and their children's lives were spared. Wouldn't they want to fully give their lives over to Him if they knew all that He could do? Sure, he gave them food, but it was the perfect amount to keep them living. They then requested quail, because it was something that they preferred more. Even when God gave it to them, they STILL complained.

When I thought this, I also thought of my own life. Have I not fully given my life to God, even though I know what miraculous things He can do? Is there something in my life that I feel is better (quail) than what He has me living on (bread)? Do I feel as if I prefer more than what God has in store? How often in life do I complain whenever God gives me the alternative? I know for a fact that God is watching out for me. I don't know why I always need to be in control of my life. In the end, it leaves me nowhere, or wanting more.

Christmas is coming up. In about ten days! I don't know, I'm just not as excited as I was previous years for Christmas. As the years go on, the more depressing it gets. I mean, I have watched probably about five Christmas movies this year; and that's it. I listen to Christmas music every once in a while, but not every single minute of every single hour. Maybe I'm just tired, but I feel as if I'll be a Scrooge soon enough. I won't become indulged in money, or anything like that, but my heart just isn't with it this year. I need direction.

All of these thoughts came to me because of a small piece of bread! It's crazy how the mind works! I felt in my heart that I needed to write this blog, even though I haven't written one in a long time. The first semester of college was good, and my grades were exceptionally good! That's what happens when I apply myself! Well, I still didn't finish drinking the water I poured, so I'm going to finish that, and go to bed. Goodnight!

Epiphany?

Well, it's not really an epiphany, but something has just entered my heart, and I want to talk about it. I'm not going to stop typing at any point. I'm not going to look back and change anything (besides grammatical errors). Okay, so I know what I want to do with my life. I want to lead worship. I am currently listening to Jesus Culture's one album, and every time I listen to their music, I just get so torn up. I know that I belong in something in that area. Maybe not being the lead singer, but just something. I want to be a part of something like that. It doesn't have to be a "band" band. Just a worship band. I look at where I am now, and I see no future in what I'm doing. Sure I have an awesome job, and the people are great, but I just can't see myself doing that for the rest of my life. Let my clarify also that even though playing the guitar is nice, I don't see me just worshiping by myself. I hear drums, bass, electric guitar, piano; everything. I just feel the need to pursue that. I don't want to waste what gifts God has given me. The only problem with this picture, is that I don't have time anymore. I probably won't ever have time anymore. Just the other day, I got off work around 3, and I went to the park, and just played my guitar. I loved it. It was so peaceful to be around God's creation, and just enjoy what He has given to all of us. When I worship Saturday nights, I love to worship. It is just a free feeling. I wish that there were more instruments (because some songs sound better with more than just a guitar). I could see myself playing guitar for Jesus Culture, Starfield, Kari Jobe, etc. I know I would be on the road a lot, but lets face it. I really don't socialize anymore with a lot of my friends.. Mostly because I have work, school, etc. and they have stuff in their own lives. I don't even hang out with my friend that lives in the same house as me! Not a lot of people would miss me "that" much. Probably the people who are reading this now haven't even thought of me until they saw me advertise this blog post. (It's okay, we're all busy)...

I'm not sure if playing music for Jesus would be just a hobby, or something I'd do for the rest of my life. Who knows.. I know that if I got the chance, I'd go for the long run though.

Something else on my mind.

I feel like I have let God down a lot recently. I haven't spent time in His word.. I pray often, but I just feel so disconnected.. I don't know why. I know work can be busy, but it really doesn't leave me too dry. I can't give God my leftovers.. I'm just physically and emotionally tired of everything around me. After work, I come to the place I'm residing, and just go downstairs. I don't talk much anymore. There really isn't that much of a funny side anymore either. I don't really have that many friends anymore.. Growing up stinks. Well, it's a part of life. Does it really have to be? I think people only say that because they were told that when they were younger, and in the situation I'm in. Listen to me: Life can still be great when you grow up! You just need encouragement along the way!

Maybe I'll get someone who loves me for me someday. That would be awesome. Someone who understands me, and who would want to be with me.. I mean, I'm a nice guy.. I have a great heart, and I would take care of her like no one else.. Like Jesus loves his people, I will love her..

Hah I am so sorry that this is random, and different things are coming in from different directions.. I just have more on my mind, and I felt the need to share it with you.

To sum it up: I'd love to be in a worship band, I need encouragement, I hope to find somebody someday who will (in every essence in their being) love me and Christ...

Until I become sane,
Canaan

New Life

Well, as the title says, I have started a new chapter in my life; adulthood. I know a lot of the older people will laugh at me, because they probably think that I know nothing about adulthood, and I'm just over-exaggerating the statement. Well, I think that I definitely qualify for some of the definition.. I look back at the pictures of me about two years ago.. I'm just so different.. Sure I'm fun, but I've really toned down and matured since all of this stuff has happened in my life. I look around me, and I no longer see the vast, variety of potential I once had. I know what I can and cannot do in life. There's no more guessing, I suppose. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

Along with confusion, I need guidance as to why I am where I am when I am. I know God has me at this state of mind for a reason. I have no idea why, but it gets so tough sometim- most of the time. I know I shouldn't be stressed about God's will for me, but when I'm put in a whole completely different atmosphere than what I'm used to, it's hard to cope. I wish I had a firm grip as to what's going on.

 Lord, whatever You're doing, please help me in the rough times, and even in the good times. I know You're here, but I just need guidance. My bright life has turned pitch black, and I can't even see my hand in front of my face. I need to just reach out, and let You take my hand and guide me; I can't live life impervious to Your will. It would be like running across a highway blindfolded. I can try doing it on my own, but without any sense of direction, I can't live. You are so amazing, and I don't want to take that for granted. Every day I need to be a living example. Lead me to lead others. Amen.


Other than everything going on that is stressful, life is pretty good. I'm alive and breathing, I'm healthy (for the most part), and enjoying EVERY moment of free time I get (oh, how good it feels to be laying down..). Work is great as well! This whole Mitt Romney thing has blown way out of the water though. Work has been a little bit more busy, so I work more (It's definitely more rewarding when I get my paychecks now ;D) I also have made new friends at work (Kristyn, Carol, Martha, Vee, Michelle, Carolyn, Anita, Bev, Cheryl, Sydney, Kelly, Tony, Jess [and plenty more where that came from!]). Working at the Bakery is so much fun, and I learn something new every day that I'm there.

Life away from work is pretty much relaxing as much as I can haha. Sometimes I get back to where I'm staying about 7:30, and I'm as tired as a horse...that is tired. I recline on a luxurious couch, and drink some Sprite to finish my job well done for the day. I am trying to start to get more energized by going on walks. I'm going to go to the nearest park as much as possible!

Well, I'd like to stay and chat, but I got work tomorrow, so yeah..

Sincerely,
Canaan

Old Friends, Old Story

Well, as it's 1:10 in the morning, I look back at the life I have had so far. Tonight, I think about my old friends..

When I was a child, I was in first grade when I moved to Pennsylvania. I was so afraid, because I didn't know how I would cope with getting friends. Would people accept me? Would they shun me? I guess you and I will find out.

I went to a little school called Cambria County Christian School. My mom had not a lot of money moving up to Pennsylvania, so the school offered to pay my tuition. My mom was so happy, as was I. Within the first day of going to that school, I made a lot of new friends. Everyone was just so nice to me. Despite everyone who was nice to me, there was a guy who became my best friend. His name is Tyler Berkebile. I'll talk about him later, but let me tell you about me. Whenever I was younger, I was a really silly kid. I did a lot of goofy stuff (I mean, c'mon, I was a kid!). I'm not going to mention the embarrassing things I did, but I was the definition of a wild kid. I think a lot of my friend's parents were afraid to have me over, because I might influence them in some way that might not be best. I see where they would be coming from now haha. Despite all the stuff in my younger days, Tyler still wanted to be friends with me surprisingly. I could tell of some funny times at Tyler's house, and when he was at mine. At the camp I used to go to, we would always write each other's names on the camp pamphlet as for who we would like to be our cabin mate. I always invited him to my birthday parties. Always. But then, something happened.

After my fourth grade year at the school, the tuition wasn't available for me anymore. I then went to a public school instead. I was completely sad and devastated. I already had to go through leaving friends before in Georgia, and I had to do it again.

In the time from 5th grade until 8th, I lost contact with my old friends at the Christian school. I rarely saw them. It's like they all vanished..

One night during the summer after my eighth grade year, my mom got a phone call from the Christian school. They said I could come back! All I would have to do is play basketball, and my tuition would be paid! I was so excited to go back! I came back the first day of my ninth grade year, and people were so shocked to see me (despite the fact the I probably grew over a foot since they last saw me). I remember one of my old friends saying "You're Canaan Hess! You're popular!" And when those words came out, I felt a sense of importance in my life. Like, someone actually cared. I saw my best friend Tyler again. It was so great to see him! There was something different though.

Over the span of three years, a person can gain a lot of new friends, and maybe a few best friends as well. He had a completely new image, as did I. He was into skateboarding with his friends, and I couldn't skateboard worth anything. But you know what? I looked up to Tyler so much, and he was such a big role model in my life, that I got into skateboarding stuff too. I changed my appearance. From my shirts, all the way down to my shoes. I wanted to fit into his group. I wanted to rekindle the friend flame that had been out for three years. Unfortunately, being tall and skateboarding don't really mix. No matter how hard I tried, it just seemed like there was a wedge between me an Tyler. Things just didn't click. We didn't have a lot of the same interests. I'm the one who felt vanished. I never have been to his house since I came back to the Christian school. I hope to sometime soon. It would be really cool! He's a really cool cat. You should check out his YouTube channel!

Now that I'm a senior now, and am looking back at the previous experiences of my life, I lost a lot of friends, and really only have a select few now.. A couple days ago, I was talking to someone about how I want to hang out with my friends during the summer. Then that person said "If you have a lot of friends, name some of your best friends right now at the top of your head". I then laughed, because of how simple it would be.. But then I actually started thinking.. and I could only think of a couple.. I couldn't believe how hard it was to think of an answer to this "simple" question.. I guess with the more you age, the more friends you lose.. Some of it is for the good, and some might just not seem fair.. But I know that Jesus is a friend of mine. I'm not afraid to say it. I believe it in here *points to heart*, here *points to mind*, and here *points to soul*. If I strive to be like Christ, He will put the right people in my life for a reason. I have learned this over the years. I shouldn't be seeking the attention of other people. I have to be me. This is me. All the guts and glory. Even though I miss my good ol' friend Tyler, maybe God put him in my life so I could learn a lesson on friendship, and tell you this story today. This blog post wasn't written to rag on my old friends, and be rude. I just miss them, that's all.

Well, I am getting tired, and I'm waking up in like eight hours to go to a building where people meet every Sunday. :)

Until next time,
Canaan

Life Update!

Wow, wow, wow! Lots have changed since I posted the "My Future?" blog post about a week ago. Let me tell you where I was last week after the blog post. I was unaware of what my future held. I knew WHO held my future, and that is God. I was unsure of what I was going to do. I didn't know what job to get. I didn't know what I wanted to do with school. I also had problems with not having a car. If you read that blog post, then I don't need to go into that much detail. If you haven't read that post, don't bother. It's way too long for one mind to comprehend. I was really bummed after writing that post. I put my true feelings out there though, which was good. The next morning, I checked my Facebook, and was astounded by how much I am cared for by my friends. Thank the Lord for the friends who support and care for me. Now on to the story.

It was March 17, 2012 at 2:29 PM. I was beginning to walk on a trail with some good friends of mine, when I received a phone call from my mom.

Mom: Hello?
Me: Hey, what's up?
Mom: Hey, I called you earlier, around 11 AM.
Me: Sorry mom, I was sleeping at that time (I went to bed around 5 AM that morning.)
Mom: It's okay. So guess what? (She asked this in an excited tone)
Me: I absolutely have no idea what you're excited about.
Mom: David has asked me to marry him!
Me: WHAT?! No way!!
Mom: Yeah! (She said this in an excited tone as well. Like a child telling their friend they are going on a trip to Disney World for the first time) He even got me a pre-engagement present! You'll never guess what he got me!
Me: Yet again, I absolutely have no idea.
Mom: He bought me a Lexus SUV!
Me: NO WAY!!
Mom: Yeah!
Me: Wait, so that means I get Maize?! (Her old clunker car)
Mom: (giggles) Yeah! David's driving up to ask Pappap's (my grandfather) permission to marry me.
Me: Wow.. This is just incredible. (I say as I ruffle my hands through my hair out of utter shock) When's the big day?
Mom: In June!
Me: Woah!!

There was a little more talk, but I was hiking on a trail, so I lost service. You get the jest of it though. I got texts later about when they get married, she is going to move to Virginia where David lives. But wait, there's more! Apparently, my mom won't work anymore after they're married. David is paying off the mortgage of the house my family lives in now, so that I'll always have a place to stay. My sister and her fiancee are getting married in October, so they're going to move out, and it will just be me there! My mom also told me that I'll be paying for car insurance and my cellphone monthly (about $300).

I know that this is a lot to take in. One night, I don't know what on Earth is going to happen with my future. It's so crazy what God can do if you ask Him for guidance. In less than nine hours, God changed a lot in my life. My mom won't be working at the college anymore, so that means I don't get free tuition anymore (sad face). I'm going to get a job as soon as possible. I filled out an application a couple days ago for Kennywood. I'm going to go on Thursday (March 22nd) to give in my application. I hope I get this job. It would be a perfect fit for me! I now have a car as well! So in nine hours time, I got a car, a door closed for a school, and a job opportunity! Man, God is good! I must say though, at first, I wasn't really excited about all this change. I was upset, scared, and afraid of all of this. I thought to myself "There is no way that I can change all of this within this much time.", "I just can't start being an adult like *snap* that", and tears were shed as well, thinking to myself "I can't believe this is all happening so fast." Well, it turns out that I can! And have to. David is going to pay for the monthly bills of the house that my family lives in once my mom marries him. I don't understand why all of this happened quickly, but I'm glad it did.

Apparently, if my mom have never met David, she would have had to find a second job around May. It got to the point where she couldn't afford paying for her three kids anymore, herself, and the house. Thank the Lord David came into our lives. Apparently, David is grateful that we came into his as well. My mom told me of how depressed David has been since his wife died seven years ago. His wife was 12 years older than him! (Which proves that age really isn't a number ;D ) He told my mother that he really didn't want to live on this earth anymore. He said he wouldn't commit suicide, because he didn't want his mother to know that he died that way. A week before my mother started talking to him, he prayed to God "Lord..I'm at the end of my rope..Please provide me with someone who will love me". Little did he know, that God would send him a single, 52 year-old woman in Nanty Glo, Pennsylvania, who graduated at the same high school as him.

Wow. Just seeing how this all works out wants me to praise God even more. It's just incredible! Now, when I heard that my mom wanted to marry him, I was afraid that she was marrying him because he had money. Apparently, she knew from their first date that he was the one, without knowing that he even had money. She told me that David only had one stipulation of their marriage. If him or her were to die, David would want to die first, because he couldn't deal with the pain of losing another wife. That was the only stipulation. No prenuptial agreements, just that stipulation. My mom was in tears when David said this to her. This guy is for real. You know, when my sister Karamie and I had this conversation with my mother, we all cried at one point, because we were all excited overall of her getting married.

My mother has been alone for about 12 years of my life.. I don't know how she got through the days until now. She has been held down by the bondage of loneliness. To finally be married, not having to worry about work anymore, and from working the past 12 years on your own, to never having to have a job again; It's a freeing feeling. The chains of loneliness have been broken. Now, just because my mom won't have a job anymore, doesn't mean that she won't stop cleaning stuff. That's what she apparently loves the most. She said during the summers, she still wants to mow the lawn at the house we live in now (She can't in Virginia, because David hires lawn care people to cut his grass).

And for me, I don't think you need to worry. I'm going to have a home (Three, actually. One is my home, another will be in Virginia, and the third is [if I get the job], I'll have another place to stay). For college, I wouldn't worry about that for now. I'm going to let God take care of that. Well, I'm getting tired! Thank you so much for reading this long blog post, and a special "Thank You" to my friends who have been there for me through the thick and thin. You guys are such a blessing :)

Until next time,
Canaan

Go

So tonight, I just watched the movie Rat Race. I saw the movie when I was younger, and forgot some of the parts, but I remembered the jest of it. A man in charge of this fancy hotel put six golden coins in different slot machines. The six different people who luckily found the gold coins met up in a room. The man in charge of the hotel told them that in this city of New Mexico, there was a building. Inside the building held a locker. Inside the locker was a bag of two million dollars. The first person to get there won it all. It was that simple. He told them the locker number, and gave each of them keys to the locker. He literally explained all of this information in less than two minutes. Immediately after explaining this, he simply said “Go”. They all just sat there in a puzzling state. Then one person asked a question. The man in charge of the hotel answered it, and then said “Go” again. This happened again twice, with different people asking questions. After that, they still sat there. They couldn’t believe that it was that simple. Then, the man in charge of the hotel got frustrated. He pulled out a gun, and shot the ceiling (commonly people do that as a scare tactic). Then they all jumped up and then left.

Why do I feel like we do that in our relationship with Jesus? We are so used to our normal routine; we do the right thing, read the Bible, go to a building where people meet every Sunday, and pray. What if God told you today to go into the mission field? What if God called you into action? What if God told you every little detail in less than two minutes of a great opportunity that He has for you, and said “Go”? Would you sit there like the people in the movie, and ask questions? Or would you get up from wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, and go? Do we have to make God get out the “gun” and “shoot the ceiling” to get our attention?

Now, you might have trouble knowing if it’s God saying “Go” or not. Let me use an analogy. A few years ago, I was hanging out with my sister Karamie. While we were hanging out, my mom was calling her. My sister said “I think it would be funny if you answered it, and talked in a deep voice.” I thought it would be funny, so I said in a deep voice “Hello?” My mom said “Karamie? Is that you? Are you okay? Wait a minute, this isn’t Karamie. This is Canaan! My daughter doesn’t talk that low.” Besides me being like “Well, I hope so!”, my mother knew her voice because she has grown a bond with her, and has conversations with her. If we do spend time in God’s presence frequently, and we have/grow in a relationship with Him, we will be able to know God’s voice. We will know if it’s God’s voice, or a “deep voice” in disguise.

I have had this on my mind the whole time while I watched the movie. Not really worth watching, but boy did it hit me with analogies out the wazoo. If you guys feel led by God to do something, don’t sit there in a puzzling manner and ask questions. Get up and go. It’s that simple. And the prize might not be two million dollars, but it’s definitely worth more if God’s the backer behind us.

Until Next Time,

Canaan