I haven't written a blog in a long time, and I have a lot to write about..
I have been thinking a lot, and I have been struggling with this thought in my head "Do I really matter to some of my friends?" I mean, it might seem a little farfeched, but it seems the older I get, the more I lose friends along the way.. I mean, some of my friends are busy, and I most definantly understand that, but sometimes, I just feel lonely. My greatest friends are either in college, or are far away (or in some cases, both!) I miss people, but do they miss me? I am not trying to make this blog a pity party for me, or anything, or trying to make people sorry for me. I just wish that I could do things so that I could see them. Things such as: Getting a job, getting a car, being able to get paid, and being able to visit the friends I always miss every day. I want to give them a hug, I want to tell them how my life is (Sometimes Facebook chat isn't the best for those kinds of conversations,) and I just want to spend time with them..
But I have noticed.. Does God ever feel the same way about me? Does he miss me, even though I am close to Him, but I, myself, am far away? I have indeed felt distant from God. I am not sure why, and it is very depressing. I'm having trouble praying and more than praying, reading the Bible. I wish I had a friend to talk to and them help me out, but to me, it feels like no one listens. That's how I feel sometimes.. Just a voice in the distance that people can hear, but they just ignore it.. Every time I update my Facebook status, it just feels like it's not that important, and very quickly, it is replaced by someone else's status, and before you know it, it is at the bottom of the page, just passed along, like another status. I want to feel closer to God. I know I love him soo much, but for some reason, Satan has been getting to me more and more. Every day I don't read the Bible, is an opportunity for Satan to get me not to read the Bible. Before you know it, bam. You haven't read the Bible for like a week, you feel distant from God, and you tell yourself that it's not a good ministry if you aren't practicing what you are professing..
I mean, there are some things that I even want to write on this blog, but I can't because I don't want people to be offended in any way (which I never mean to be!) I don't want anybody upset with me. You know what I mean? And yes, this is, yet again a long blog, which no one will probably read anyways, but it's a good way of getting my emotions out I guess.. I need help.. I need renewed. My heart, my spirit, my life.. I need someone to hold me and say "It will all be okay", but I feel like that's God's job haha
I also don't know who I am anymore. I remember last year, I was this nice guy who smiled and was crazy, but right now, I just don't feel the same. I am still nice, but I just feel like blah.. I also have been following the wrong example for a while. Ever since last year, a friend of mine has been portrayed to me as this cool cat who loved music, and he is, don't get me wrong, but I started hanging out with him, and I took after his example. That's where I messed up right there. You see, I should, and forever more will take after CHRIST'S example. When you take someone's example, who isn't Christ's, it gets tough. The reason being is because you think this friend of yours is really cool, and you believe in the same things, and it's all awesome, and then you learn something about them that you don't really understand, and you don't agree with it, you get this bitter taste in your mouth.. and then you try to get out of there, but it's too late. You crumble, and it's hard to get out of the friend's example, and start following Jesus's. Here is some advice: Follow Christ's example, He will always be there for you, and never let you down, ever!
To end this blog, I just need prayer, I need it a lot. I mean it.. If you want to talk to me, let me know.. I'll listen..
I think I should write a book with how long these blogs are,
Canaan
Canaan, sounds like most of us :) I hear your cry and so does God. He is happy that you realized He made you Canaan not a carbon copy of the other cool guy, but you. It is a struggle for identity, who am I? Why am I created?
ReplyDeleteI had this same struggle myself for many years, until I grasped the fact, I am created for God's glory, period.. That's it nothing more. He made me for his pleasure, so that I could bring him myself. What ever gifts I have, whatever I do is for His glory.
I have spent most of my life devoid of many friends, just one or two that I don't call everyday or see often. Most of my life is spent alone with God. But now, I feel Him breathing and feel Him seeing. All I have to do is relax in him.
I have to please no one but God ( and Ray biblically). Don't waste time like I did and lost my way. All of the prophets, all of the disciples were leaders, very alone in spirit and didn't care about anything but pleasing God and speaking the truth(which gets you a lot of enemies right there).
Love you Canaan, and I love to see your heart, I'm sure God sees too and wants you to relax in Him...and btw (((hugs))) there's one :)
Aunt Esther
Canaan, Papap used to say that the only person who will never let you down, never fail you, is Jesus.
ReplyDeleteI am like your Aunt Esther in that I am a solitary person by nature. I have a few true friends, but about 15 years ago I realized that I was surrounding myself with people ~~ while they were all very nice, there were too many of them. I edited my life at that point. It was the best thing I've ever done.
Solitude, if you are listening, is very profitable. You can hear God speak. Listen and learn what God wants YOU to do. I have stopped worrying what people think of me. That took a long time to do and I wasted lots of energy worrying about that.
You are "fearfully and wonderfully made." You are God's design. Hold on to that...
Aunt Melodye