My Future?

Yesterday afternoon, I was sitting at the food court at the nearby mall, waiting for my ride to pick me up. I had about an hour to wait, so I just sat there. I had my headphones on, phone in pocket, and the occasional "look at my watch to check the time, even though I just did LITERALLY 30 seconds ago" move. I used that hour to think about what the next step in my life would be after graduation. I constantly get calls from different colleges, asking me what I want to do. I have conversations with people about what my future is. I just can't say "I don't know", because I then look like I don't know what I want to do with my life. In true honesty, I have not a clue what my future holds. I don't really see myself going to college. I always get told that God has something special in store for me, and that He's going to do great things with me. Why do I feel like college wouldn't help me in that aspect? My mom didn't go to college, and she can provide for three adults (currently) in her household. I don't know how she does it, but she does.

Another issue I have is that, if I don't go to college, I can't get a good job. I don't want to be flipping burgers for the rest of my life (no offense, it's just not me). Another problem is that I need to be able to provide for my family (when someone [I don't know who would] finds me attractive in personality, spirit, my face, etc.). I don't want my life to go down the tubes because I have to go by the qualifications of society. I saw a video once (fictitious) about a couple who fell so in love, but then the woman broke up with the man because the man always had to work 24/7, and he didn't spend enough time with her. I would never want to end up like that. If I get married some day, I would always want to be there for her. I know some of you are thinking "This guy is crazy, who wants to spend time with their wife all the time?" Well, who wouldn't? I know that I'm young, and that I know nothing, but isn't that the point of marriage? To always be there for the other person? I think the reason why I feel this way is because I really didn't grow up having that many guy friends. I always found the female friendships more awesome. Growing up with three girls my whole life has taken a huge toll as well.

As for jobs, I see a lot of jobs out there, but none of them catch my eye. I don't want to work at a food place. No clothing stores, coffee shops, or any jobs that require dressing up for the part intrigue me. I think working at some place like a toy store would be cool; but I think that I'd want to work at a place that I could have my own originality. I would love to work for YouTube, and get paid to make videos. I'm good in the technology department, so I might be good there. I would like to work for Valve, or companies like that, to test games and make sure they run properly, or something. Most importantly, I think my ideal job would just be to worship, and go around and sing. If it was background for an artist, or just myself, I would just be set. God gave me the gift, why not use it? I am so versatile with things, I could do anything if I really put my mind to it, but nothing snags my attention.

At this point in my life, I think of what happened, what could have been, and what will be, and I just can't take all this pressure. I know it sounds like the easiest thing in the world to pick something, but coming from a past where I really have never got to make my own BIG life decisions; It's brutally tough. I do worship Saturday nights at this campground I go to, and I love it so dearly. I don't know if I could juggle work, college, and worship, and I'm not okay with that. I know in my future that I'm going to have to make decisions soon, but if I get a job, and go to college, then I'm just like everybody else. If I was made special, and God has big plans for me, I can't move if I'm strapped down by the straight-jacket of a job and college.

Mixed feelings. That's what I'm having as of now. Some people have planned out my future for me, but what's the point? I would pretty much be living the way they want my life to be, not by the way of my choice. While the thought of you thinking about me, and looking out for me is nice; I just don't know if going by the playbook is right for this type of game. I want to enjoy the life I was given. I want to be there for those who care about me, cherish the moments.. But it seems like you can't do that without money. That's where it all comes back to college and jobs. Here is the way I see it:

College=Money
Car=Money
House=Money
Family= Love, and money
Bills=Money
Job= Money to pay for all of the above.

There HAS to be another way to get around life without money being the #1 thing that Americans need to live their life. Now, I'm not saying that college is bad, or jobs are bad. That wasn't what I'm saying. I'm just saying (overall of what this blog post is about) that I don't find college amusing to me, and a job is going to be really difficult to find, because nothing really gets my attention.

My future is my own,
Canaan