Epiphany?

Well, it's not really an epiphany, but something has just entered my heart, and I want to talk about it. I'm not going to stop typing at any point. I'm not going to look back and change anything (besides grammatical errors). Okay, so I know what I want to do with my life. I want to lead worship. I am currently listening to Jesus Culture's one album, and every time I listen to their music, I just get so torn up. I know that I belong in something in that area. Maybe not being the lead singer, but just something. I want to be a part of something like that. It doesn't have to be a "band" band. Just a worship band. I look at where I am now, and I see no future in what I'm doing. Sure I have an awesome job, and the people are great, but I just can't see myself doing that for the rest of my life. Let my clarify also that even though playing the guitar is nice, I don't see me just worshiping by myself. I hear drums, bass, electric guitar, piano; everything. I just feel the need to pursue that. I don't want to waste what gifts God has given me. The only problem with this picture, is that I don't have time anymore. I probably won't ever have time anymore. Just the other day, I got off work around 3, and I went to the park, and just played my guitar. I loved it. It was so peaceful to be around God's creation, and just enjoy what He has given to all of us. When I worship Saturday nights, I love to worship. It is just a free feeling. I wish that there were more instruments (because some songs sound better with more than just a guitar). I could see myself playing guitar for Jesus Culture, Starfield, Kari Jobe, etc. I know I would be on the road a lot, but lets face it. I really don't socialize anymore with a lot of my friends.. Mostly because I have work, school, etc. and they have stuff in their own lives. I don't even hang out with my friend that lives in the same house as me! Not a lot of people would miss me "that" much. Probably the people who are reading this now haven't even thought of me until they saw me advertise this blog post. (It's okay, we're all busy)...

I'm not sure if playing music for Jesus would be just a hobby, or something I'd do for the rest of my life. Who knows.. I know that if I got the chance, I'd go for the long run though.

Something else on my mind.

I feel like I have let God down a lot recently. I haven't spent time in His word.. I pray often, but I just feel so disconnected.. I don't know why. I know work can be busy, but it really doesn't leave me too dry. I can't give God my leftovers.. I'm just physically and emotionally tired of everything around me. After work, I come to the place I'm residing, and just go downstairs. I don't talk much anymore. There really isn't that much of a funny side anymore either. I don't really have that many friends anymore.. Growing up stinks. Well, it's a part of life. Does it really have to be? I think people only say that because they were told that when they were younger, and in the situation I'm in. Listen to me: Life can still be great when you grow up! You just need encouragement along the way!

Maybe I'll get someone who loves me for me someday. That would be awesome. Someone who understands me, and who would want to be with me.. I mean, I'm a nice guy.. I have a great heart, and I would take care of her like no one else.. Like Jesus loves his people, I will love her..

Hah I am so sorry that this is random, and different things are coming in from different directions.. I just have more on my mind, and I felt the need to share it with you.

To sum it up: I'd love to be in a worship band, I need encouragement, I hope to find somebody someday who will (in every essence in their being) love me and Christ...

Until I become sane,
Canaan